I worry about the future a lot. This is the reason why I do not usually tell news to people. I do not tell them unless news is 100% verified and ready to go. There is a strong imposter inside me: I am afraid that something always will change last minute. I keep my mental energy focused on positive thinking and self-confidence, but it requires a lot of efforts.I still know everything will be good.
Moving to different apartment is more usual hustle than I expected. More logistics, less psychological attachments. Its been a week since I started packing things and slowly moving them to new place. Day after day, I fill up my bag and suitcases, move them three floors down (we have no elevator at old apartment), get very sweaty under 35+ celsius heat of Budapest's weather (even though I move staff at around 8-10PM evening when the air is a bit cooler) while walking to tram stop, get inside the tram, drive two stops, get out, walk for 5 minutes, get inside air-conditioned lobby of my new apartment building, happily use elevator and get to the third floor, walk with my staff very quietly (I try to be neighbor friendly) toward my door in air-conditioned corridor and finally relax inside my new large beautiful garden view apartment. Repeat this once per day for a two weeks.
Strange thing I learned about Budapest: every building can have only one internet provider and you cannot get internet from another provider if your building is already contracted with one. And some providers, this is happening in 2021, have capacity limitations on how many apartments they can provide within a building.
I often think about how much of my self-worth may depend on my job occupation if I allow it. I am really afraid of this and do not like it, because I want to be an interesting person first and not a shallow empty box hiding behind job tittles and everything job-related. Job is very important and having meaningful job is super important as well as being able to derive meaning from your job, but in order to get value from your job, you have to be someone when you do not have it. It is like when Captain America asked Iron Man, "who are you without your suit?", or when Steve Rogers was chosen to be Captain America because what he represented as an individual or when Tony Stark told Peter Pater, that if he is nothing without Spider-Man's suit, then he does not deserve that suit. Similarly, I have to be an individual first, feeling self-confident about myself and my inner abilities, deriving my motivation and powers from within me, not outside me, and stand for something before someone or something else defines me. Be a person first, and then cling on your title/job/occupation/source of income, otherwise, you will be nothing and fall for anything even with the coolest, the most well paid title in the world.
It is funny how these days I think about job, saving and income. I am getting older and reality is really less romanticized than it used to be for me.